It's The New Black

sit with me and embrace the sun 

let us finish what we’ve begun 

blinding us with all the rays 

we’ll soak them up and talk for days 

the things i want to say to you 

but once they’re said, they won’t come true 

wait with me while the sun goes down 

then let’s go and paint the town 

before we’re done and dawn returns 

squeeze me tight, let your touch burn 

kiss me once, come back for more 

i’ll return it to even the score 

lay with me and stay the night 

the sun will hide your lover’s flight. 

“I have to find it!” I tell myself as I sprint down the stairs, through the hall, and around

the corner into my brother’s room.  “Shoot.” I sigh aloud, “This is going to be harder

than I thought.”

    I know he borrowed my music notebook.  It’s somewhere in here.  Clothes are

scattered everywhere possible.  His chair is drowned in a sea of laundry, throw pillows,

loose-leaf homework papers, random music notes, and on top of  it all is a basketball. 

Really? A basketball.  Who plays basketball in their room?  His dresser is only visible

because of the tall mirror that is protruding from beneath hats, strings, and fabric of all

sorts dangling from the sides.  His dresser is littered with CDs, DVDs, chargers for

various electronic devices (none of which are anywhere in sight) and an empty paper

plate which threatens to topple over the edge to the floor at any moment.  As I pick my

way carefully across the floor, through the pairs of shoes and small bits of trash, I

nearly trip over the backpack slouching against his bed.  “Ah ha!” I sigh and crouch

next to the bag, tugging the zipper open.  Instantly, an explosion of books crumples to

the floor.  Scowling in annoyance, I heave each book on top of the next until they are

all in a neat pile.  Finally, at the bottom of the heap, I find my music notebook.  “It

lives!” I laugh and snatch it from the floor.  As quickly as possible I bound out of the

cluttered room and return to my room upstairs… where it is clean.

           Past events affect the present actions, attitudes, or values of a character in both literature and real life. In Hermann Hesse’s Demian, Emil Sinclair’s life is dramatically influenced by the events and the people he encounters during his youth. Initially, Sinclair was a naïve teenager trapped in his light surroundings; however, he gradually develops into a more mature man searching for nirvana. At the end of the book, Sinclair eventually reaches his nirvana, and no longer needs any guidance from his mentors. Although I have not yet completed my life search like Sinclair, I have taken the first few steps towards the ultimate goal, nirvana.

Sinclair was kept in “a realm of brilliance, clarity, and cleanliness” by his parents and believed that straight lines, such as “duty and guilt, bad conscience and confession, forgiveness and good resolutions, love, reverence, wisdom and the words of the Bible” (Hesse, 3) led into the future. However, his perfectly protected shell of the light side breaks when he lies to Franz Kromer, someone from the dark side. This is Sinclair’s first encounter with the dark side. His innocence is broken, and his emotional sufferings grow to the point of physical pains. However, this leads Sinclair to discover the dichotomy between evil and good, the guilt stage, and most importantly, Demian. He plays the most crucial part in helping Sinclair to reach his nirvana. As a spiritual and intellectual mentor, Demian puts various issues into a new perspective for Sinclair, leading him to question the norm and become more independent. For example, Demian tells the biblical story of Cain and Abel in a different perspective, doubting the typically goodness as the potential evil. Demian also introduces Abraxas and the flying bird image to Sinclair, urging him to move further along his search for nirvana. Sinclair promptly realizes that he will reach nirvana once he seeks out for “the voice within [himself]” and “follow [his] voice blindly wherever it might lead [him]” (Hesse, 82). Pistorius also comes into Sinclair’s life, helping him to further break free from the tight light society. Through the numerous discussions with Pistorius, Sinclair realizes that some people are merely stuck in the guilt stage, living not for the future, but for the past. Lastly, Sinclair meets Frau Eva, Demian’s mother, and plows through the final steps of nirvana. To Sinclair, Frau Eva was a symbol of beauty, love, and perfection. She guides Sinclair to become a man of his own and when they part, he finally reaches his life nirvana. He “beholds [his] own image” and “listens within [himself]” instead of relying his numerous mentors (Hesse, 144).

             Although I doubt my ability to reach nirvana within my lifetime like Sinclair has, I have broken free out of the light side to move towards nirvana. Just like how Sinclair tasted darkness after meeting Franz Kromer, I have unintentionally done “evil” things out of temper and anger. During that stage, I painfully suffered because of the fear of consequences and the penetrating guilt. After the incidents, I always found myself going back to my egg, promising myself that I would never set a foot in the dark side ever again. Now, I see a clear line between evil and good, and I refuse to accept the idea of Abraxas. I constantly fret about world things, trying to change what seems “wrong” and “insufficient”. Part of the reason is because the most influential figures in my life have been confined in their own light sides, rejecting and condemning the dark side. However, if I get a chance to meet a mentor like Demian, someone who embraces both the dark and the light, I believe that I could progress further towards reaching nirvana.

             Emil Sinclair, a previously trapped bird, deserts his egg and flies to the stage of nirvana after he meets Demian, Pistorius, Franz Kromer, and Frau Eva. All of them have ultimately positive effects upon Sinclair’s growth as a man trying to reach nirvana. My life will be just as dramatically affected as Sinclair’s once I get an opportunity to completely abandon the comfortable light side and experience the world outside of my shell.

I knock on the hollow cherry door, competing with the

mangled and duct tape-covered radio.

An orb of fluorescent light

spilling across the picnic-blanket tiled floor.

The sweet-and-sour scent of bleach,

hanging in the air long after it has glided across the floor under the

ratty mop.

My visor fits snug over my slicked-back ponytail

just as it did the last time

and the time before.

Machines hum like sleeping monsters; I am an intruder in their cave.

Icy steam radiates from the silver treasure chests,

containing buckets full of rainbow jewels

smoothed over as a giant hand would smooth mountain slopes.

I take a deep breath…

and slide open the window with a whooshhhhh,

letting in a blast of hot air like opening an oven door,

except instead of a tray of gooey cookies greeting me, its

a demanding customer.

Monsters come to life with a roar,

Jewels fall into greedy hands,

Raining sprinkles embellish a simple vanilla cone as a sparkly crystal necklace

decorates an otherwise

naked white dress.

Beep beepbeep beep.

Chingggggggg.

I spilled glitter

On my pearly shag rug

In the living room

And as the golden afternoon light

Streamed

Through my cracked blinds

I stood over my shag rug

Contemplating if I should try

To pluck out

The little mirrors

Nuzzled happily in the soft fibers

I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

And I thought of you.